down the rabbit hole

Wordy post

2012-02-09T05:00:00.001+08:00

The 7th was spent wandering amidst throngs of people and willing time to pass more quickly so that I would finally have company. It was exhausting.

But I met up with Rachel, had dinner at Food Republic followed by Gongcha. Got our nails done at FEP and shopped at Zara before retreating to a bench to chill and catch up. Things have changed so much for the both of us but I'm glad that we're finally moving forward with our lives and things are getting better.

I don't really care for what might have happened in the past. What's important is now.

The 8th was spent working till 9.30pm. Headed down to the usual place to have dinner with Lyon, Sathish and Nicholas. I seriously ate way too much today. 4 pieces of toast with chocolate spread, 5 onion rings, cheese sausage, green tea, pepsi, dried chilli chicken with rice, iced horlicks, tea and another 4 pieces of buttered toast throughout the day. I am going to gain another 2kg at this rate, my gosh. How do I curb my enormous appetite?!

Anyway, I'm so proud of L. He passed his GBAD interview. Hard work truly pays off. Love you, bb.

+++

2012-02-07T01:41:00.000+08:00

It is 0147hrs and I'm blogging from my sister's iPad.

Dental appointment in 7 hours. Meeting Diana for yoga (hopefully) and then Rachel for some grub and shopping.

Long looong day ahead. May bring my SLR out today. +++

past

2012-02-04T05:40:00.001+08:00

i have decided to keep this english tuition assignment throughout the year because i think the two kids are really great and they have a positive attitude towards learning. plus, their house is at geylang bahru, opposite cedar's old holding site so it's really near home and i can walk over to lyon's house afterwards to hang out. i just hope it doesn't become too taxing once school starts in april.

anyway, i was going through my photos and looky -

2011:

spot me. i miss these lovely girls. <3

2010:

my 'o' level year with 4 of the best girls i have ever met and the rest of the '10 batch. miss those days. by far my favourite year. watching skins at the back of the class, locking ourselves in the staff toilet *winkwink*

2009:

my self-cut bangs, pursley and audrey.

i miss syu. i wish i could remember what this conversation was about.

2008:

my short ponytail + all the hair i kept in the front. you should see my fringe in the 2008 year book. epic.

2007:

i was sec one! ariel, me and syu were doing the whole hear/see/speak no evil shit. look how tan i was from all the training! i don't remember much but 2007 was a good year, too. and i guess i have always had fat fingers, huh....

2006:

i swear that this was taken when i was 12. i look the same 6 years later.

but lots of things have changed +++

down with the sickness

2012-02-02T02:04:00.000+08:00

on the pursuit of happiness

but i can't possibly attain happiness if my health continues to deteriorate at this rate. what's wrong with my body? what's next? that's all i can think about.

i am currently down with the flu and suffering from lower back pains which disallow me from bending forward more than 35 degrees. i also have a lower gum infection which has caused my gums to swell tremendously.

tomorrow they are going to inject my gums with an anaesthetic so they can flush out everything, i think. i hate dentists. orthodontists are fine because they don't prod at your teeth/gums as though they are mining for gold.

today, i dropped off at the bus stop opposite cjc so that i could hop on a different one. all the new j1s look... young/naive and purely book-wise. bumped into amos and jade. made small talk. waved hello to people i used to know. i'm glad i no longer have to deal with certain aspects of cjc but anything related to the institution simply reminds me of my past failures.

i could have been someone, could have achieved something but maybe it's too late for me now. let's hope sp treats me well and even if it doesn't, i'll suck it up and march on like the best soldiers do. "to give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift".

+++

mixed feelings

2012-01-31T01:47:00.001+08:00

i should stop being an anal-retentive psychopath (my effort to do so begins with me not capitalising my "i"s etc). however, i doubt this will work because i can foresee that in the near future, i will be annoyed at the lack of capital letters and i will just go back to using proper sentences... and by making upper and lower cases such a big deal, i have just demonstrated the lack of excitement in my life.

jae posting results were released this morning. i waited anxiously for the sms from 5am onwards. when i did receive the message, instead of reading it myself, i burst into the bedroom and demanded that my sister read it out to me. her response was a little lackluster because i woke her up too early but hurrah! i have been posted to sp biomedical science which was my first choice. :)

actually, it feels a little strange saying this/celebrating. just last year, i was deliriously happy that cjc accepted me and now i absolutely despise the school, though i would very much like to attend orientation there once more. it was really fun wiggling my butt with syu and enthusiastically belting out hakka cheers or whatever it was called. doubt you're reading this, syu, but "ao" pride!

well, i'm looking forward to school which opens on the 16th of april. the only unfortunate part is that it falls on lyon's birthday! speaking of which, i haven't bought mathan anything for his birthday yet.

need a job desperately.

+++

2012-01-26T06:01:00.001+08:00

soft, soft or cruel
can't we change our minds?
we kill what we build
because we own the sky

CNY

2012-01-26T03:12:00.002+08:00

I EARNED $4 PLAYING BANLAK! I'm rather pleased with myself because it was my first time gambling. Anyway, took these after reunion dinner with L's family on Sunday.

Compare our nostril sizes.

中国新年快乐

+++

yummy

2012-01-22T00:38:00.000+08:00

Generally, Asians are better looking than Caucasians (personal preference) but sometimes when you mix the two together, you get gods/goddesses.

How can anyone disagree with me? Thumbs up for Sen and Kiko.

+++

come on skinny love, just last the year

2012-01-17T05:48:00.001+08:00

Crying silently at 5am in the morning because when it's dark and no one's around, you begin to think of all the tough times and the mistakes you made, however far along the timeline that is your life. At the beginning of every year, I tell myself, "This year will be better than the last. Don't worry, you'll make it through and everything will be alright." but who am I kidding? Each year, there is bound to be a series of distressing circumstances and when I look back, I realise that these things happened because I made the wrong choices or I just took things too far...

You tell me not to beat myself up and that I should never regret the decisions I made in the past but how can I not do so when I've lost so much. I could have been better than this. I had so many things going for me and then 2008 came and I stopped being passionate (and lost my head a little) so I failed in school, I failed to make my family happy and I hurt some people who I truly cared about. I did what I did because I wanted attention from my parents but now that so much time has passed, I realise that I could have done things very differently. Maybe if I had mustered up the courage to tell them how I felt, things would have changed and I wouldn't have lost so much. Tell me how 2008 wasn't my fault...

But I guess that year was a blessing in disguise. I met L and he changed my life. He taught me to live a little but keep myself grounded. He taught me to never give up. He taught me to love myself, even if it's just a little more each time. I know that I have improved and I've changed my mentality somewhat but some nights (like tonight) I just can't help but self-destruct.

2011 was by far the worst year of my life. It started out deceptively easy till everything spiralled out of control. I spent most of the year afraid to attend school because I felt so isolated and depressed. I felt like an outcast and it was so difficult to explain my emotions to everyone else. I remember crying in school because I felt like all the effort that I put in was useless. I was useless, a failure, and I fucked up big time. I didn't achieve jack shit no matter how hard I tried to get back up on my feet. I blamed the institution and the people around me. Sure, they added fuel to the fire but I have to be brutally honest with myself and admit that it was all my fault. I screwed up.

Maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I wasn't ever good enough. How could I lead myself to believe that I could have achieved more for myself? Sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror, I try to think of all the good qualities that I might possess but instead, I see all my flaws. I have no confidence in myself, I know, but what is there to be confident about? Nothing. No talents, no exceptional intrinsic qualities, underachiever.

I have so many regrets and tonight, I'm not too sure which one I'm crying over. +++

sweetest eyes

2012-01-17T04:26:00.001+08:00

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.
I'm not one of those who can easily hide.
I don't have much money but boy, if I did,
I'd buy a big house where we could live. -

I dream of so many things, most of them involving you.

I honestly haven't been doing much despite having plenty of free time so I'm excited to begin tutoring. This also means I have to revisit E Maths and A Maths so I can help M's brother improve his grade. It's an additional reason for me to commence my revision so I'll be ready to take the SATs in March (hopefully). I'm also looking forward to finally meeting up with SC on Thursday. I think we've put it off for ages. A really great girl, I'm glad we're friends, to be honest (are you reading this, stalker?).

Finally legal in July. No one can make fun of me for being the youngest/being underage anymore... But so much has happened in my life that I feel a little wiser than my years. Hopefully, in 2-3 years time, I will be able to move in with L or my sister and move on to the next chapter of my life.

- and you can tell everybody
this is your song.

+++

2012-01-06T07:42:00.000+08:00

Remember: Avoid exercises such as squats, lunges, leg curls, leg extensions and calf raises. Do cardiovascular instead. Endurance exercising is one of the most effective exercises to get defined, slim thighs and legs. Pay attention to the muscles you feel being targeted.

bst frnds

2012-01-06T06:30:00.000+08:00

Don't know what I'd do without them.

Went to the beach with the girls, met Lyon afterwards, slept over, That 70s Show, South Park, The Thing, Fright Night, McDelivery.

+++

depressive

2012-01-02T04:57:00.001+08:00

I have drowned at sea several times but this time, I'll be a steady swimmer and reach that island like I've always intended. I'm better than this.

But hey, I'm still no match for you, you and you...

+++

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T05:46:00.000+08:00

001 I will always remind people that I love them
002 Make an effort to see Hafizah, Zhi Xuan and Tammie more
003 Appreciate the little things in life
004 Be less irritable
005 Focus on school
006 Volunteer work
007 Save more money
008 Be less sensitive about trivial things
009 Make new friends but never leave my old pals
010 Reduce late-coming
011 Skin care regime
012 Try to love myself a little more

These are the things I want to achieve this year. I know I won't be able to stick to all of it but no harm trying. If I want 2012 to be better than 2011, I have to work on it myself.

I'm really tired. Walked from Clarke Quay to Bugis before we managed to get a cab. Glad I made the trip to CQ, though. Got to meet my best bros. Love you guys :)

And Lyon... if you're reading this, thanks for cheering me up by being your normal, crazy self. You're right, no matter where we end up, at least we're together. I love you. <3

Kk goodnight +++

2011

2011-12-31T05:44:00.002+08:00

This year started well though I received a very unsatisfactory 'O' Level score. Ended up in Catholic JC and I really enjoyed my first few months.

Then I broke my finger/tore a ligament in my middle finger and I swear that that was the turning point.

Everything seriously went downhill. It felt like 2008 all over again. To make things worse, the people who I thought I could trust turned against me... but I guess I should have seen it coming. Saw all the signs but I allowed them to hurt me instead. I absolutely hated attending school. I think I hit rock bottom when my grades dropped from Bs and Cs to, well, failing everything. I tried to get back on my feet but once you've fallen behind in the JC curriculum, it's extremely hard to catch up. All my study sessions failed to do me any justice but then again, I was never completely focused...

I only have myself to blame for all my failures but I'm really grateful for the people who stayed by my side throughout all of it, encouraging me to do better. Especially Tammie, Hafizah and Zhi Xuan. You three are really my best friends and I love you girls to death <3

Another group of people who I sincerely love are all the guys at AHG. I wouldn't know what to do without them in my life. Especially Lyon, Sathish, Mira, Mathan, Nicholas and Arshad because we've been to hell and back together. I spend so much of my time with them and we know each other like the back of our hands. I really appreciate everything they've done for me. I'll never forget all our epic moments! Five years down the road, I have a feeling that we are still going to be having tea at the usual place even if we're busy with our own things.

I'll remember 2011 for the company that I kept, all the new, genuine and lovely people that I met and the things we did.

The highlight of 2011 has to be celebrating my third year with Lyon, though. Love you <3

2011 definitely wasn't the best year but I'm glad things turned out the way they did. I know now what I need and want to do with my life. I just hope that I won't screw up once again this coming year.

Time for bed. Happy New Year's Eve everybody!

+++

1201

2011-12-28T07:15:00.001+08:00

You want me to come over but I've got an excuse

I might be holding your hand but I'm holding it loose

Go to talk, then we choke, it's like my neck is in a noose

Avoid the obvious, we should be facing the truth

Start to think it could be fizzlin' now

Kind of shocked because I never really had any doubts

I look into your eyes, imagine life without you

And the love kickstarts again

I was the happiest girl in the world. He said, "To me, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And I've always thought that since the first day I saw you." After 1201 days together, he still feels the same. I love you, L. I can't imagine life without you.

+++

2252hrs

2011-12-24T04:52:00.000+08:00

And I am lying in bed with my netbook perched on my tummy, still in my party dress. Met a nice girl today. Didn't feel awkward at all.

Bought this at Makro. Might use it as a pencil case next year.

Hello Kitty PEZ candy dispenser ^^ Makes me feel girly.

Turn the light out, say goodnight. No thinking for a little while. Let's not try to figure out everything at once because it's hard to keep track of you falling from the sky. +++

2011-12-23T21:08:00.000+08:00

love em pups +++

kickstart

2011-12-23T08:43:00.001+08:00

I need help deciding which shade of red would suit me best! My attempt at dyeing it red a couple of days ago wasn't very successful so I suppose I'll get it done at a shop back in Singapore instead.

Wish I could pull of blue/purple.

+++

highlights

2011-12-22T07:18:00.001+08:00

I have been in Cape Town, South Africa for 20 days now. Managed to accumulate quite a number of pictures so here are a few of them.

Used blonde hair dye and this is the outcome.

The arduous journey was not recorded.

This country is beautiful but I can't fully express my desire to go home right now. Can't believe that I won't be spending Christmas in Singapore.

Anyway, I was looking at Sara's DIY manicures and I ended up searching for a design that I really liked so I could attempt it myself sometime soon. Found this on Tumblr;

I'm hoping to find a mini-tutorial for this/a similar design so I can try to perfect it. I'm hoping these aren't stickers. Have to buy a new nail art pen from The Face Shop since I spoiled the one I bought (and hardly used) by using it when the nail polish wasn't completely dry yet.

It feels weird to be blogging like this again. Abrupt end to post. +++

atelophobia

2011-12-21T07:43:00.000+08:00

It is in these moments of tender and ridiculous nostalgia that I know something inside me is broken. I fear that one day, you will realize that I am a burden and not a gift. It could be in 5 months or 5 years but there will come a day when you will up and go.

That would destroy me.